100 Cigarettes.

I have decided that I am going to do a blog and hand held journal entry of every cigarette that I smoke along with the date, time, and a short description of what I am doing while I am smoking. Yesterday was the 25th which is 1/2 when I began (I slept until 4 in the afternoon.)

1) 1-25-2010
4:45 Pm.- I just woke up, in the car w/ Professor X, going to Hardees.

2) 5:32 Pm.- Professor X and I are leaving Jack in the box (where we ate) because Hardees doesn't sell breakfast all day, Talking about medical gargon on the way to school listening to Guns and Roses.

3) 5:45 Pm.- I'm sitting outside of Vol State (McGavock campus) on the smokin' a cig, on the phone with [we shall call him Bill] Bill, waiting for Chelsea.

4) 7:17 Pm.- I just got let out of Sociology. Jessica Rogers was in there! What a surprise. :)

5) 8:00 Pm.- Professor X and I are parked outside of Steak and shake before I go in for my interview.

6) 8:29 Pm.- Back in the car with Professor X, still parked out in front of Steak and Shake. I just got back from the interview, I'm hoping things went well.

7) 8:49 Pm.- Morbius came by, we are standing around on the back porch catching up about life.

8) 11:09 Pm.- I just got off the phone with Patty. Pissed off, having a beer and a smoke, after I light it Professor X and Morbius come join me.

9) 11:29 Pm.- Smoked again with Professor X and Morbius. Still outside. It's fucking cold.


Midnight and the following 26th day of January coming tonight.

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack and single handedly, I have lost almost everything.

Today, I woke up and like always I turned my phone on to see what my friends had been up to since I wake up at about 4 pm. Well Jack, you know the married guy who I lost a friend over? He text me that "we have to talk". Now I have heard these words probably about once a week since I was 12. I am sick and fucking tired of having to hear these words. So I text him back that I am sick of all this crap and for him to just lay it on me. What I got back was not expected.
"I'm really sorry to do this to you but the wife and I got into a fight last night and I told her about you. Not everything she thinks we had just been hanging out. But my heart caught up to my head and I am sorry to do this to you but we have decided to work things out and I want to be the best husband I can be. But I do want to be friends."
Because of him I lost a friend. I lost respect. And now around my little town I am the town whore. I gave up everything for him and he thinks this is OK. I text back "Got it."
And left it be. When I can calm down and get my head on straight I am going to tell him I can't be his friend. But I want to kill him. He has ruined everything for me, I lost pone of my dearest friends because of him. I had fought my whole life to be "one of the guys" and within minutes that label is ruined and changed to "town whore". It is my fault, I was with a married man. But dammit I hate him now, and myself. How dare he want to be my friend after all this!

Horrible night, suicidal, and morbidly depressed.

Signing in, last night was awful. After sleeping with my good friends best friend, who is married, (they're in the middle of a divorce), I had to confront my friend about it. In short he said he forgave me but didn't want to be around me for a few months, the guy, (we will call him Jack) can do whatever the fuck we want, that he doesn't trust and I am a whore.
All night I have contemplated suicide. I even looked up bible verses on the subject; that and punishment, love, and death. I cannot find anything about God loving us, just us being told why and how to love him. Now, don't get me wrong I do love God, so much! I would just really like to see something written that he loves me.
I'm afraid if I am left alone much longer I'll kill myself and I know for a fact if I had a gun I would have several hours ago. I have hanged myself once and I just can't muster the courage to do it again. I have slit my wrists before and I just can't seem to do that either, or over dose or poison myself. All of which I have tried before. It seems every method I tried in the past fails to work on me now out of fear.
I don't know what to say, I just wish I had my friend back. And just so anyone out there reading this knows, I am not suicidal because of this one thing. There are MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY reasons why I want to die and why I have thought about since I was eight years old, I just turned 21 on Thursday and it seems to me the older I get the harder it gets for me to find reasons to keep living and I don't even know if I want help or not, I could get it but I don't know... oh well I am going to attempt to sleep... Sorry for the rant it's been a very long time since I have been this depressed and I am fairly sure when I go back and read this later,(I always reread all my stuff 100 times,) I will get even more depressed because I sound like a fag ass Emo bitch kid. Fuck.