Signing in, last night was awful. After sleeping with my good friends best friend, who is married, (they're in the middle of a divorce), I had to confront my friend about it. In short he said he forgave me but didn't want to be around me for a few months, the guy, (we will call him Jack) can do whatever the fuck we want, that he doesn't trust and I am a whore.
All night I have contemplated suicide. I even looked up bible verses on the subject; that and punishment, love, and death. I cannot find anything about God loving us, just us being told why and how to love him. Now, don't get me wrong I do love God, so much! I would just really like to see something written that he loves me.
I'm afraid if I am left alone much longer I'll kill myself and I know for a fact if I had a gun I would have several hours ago. I have hanged myself once and I just can't muster the courage to do it again. I have slit my wrists before and I just can't seem to do that either, or over dose or poison myself. All of which I have tried before. It seems every method I tried in the past fails to work on me now out of fear.
I don't know what to say, I just wish I had my friend back. And just so anyone out there reading this knows, I am not suicidal because of this one thing. There are MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY reasons why I want to die and why I have thought about since I was eight years old, I just turned 21 on Thursday and it seems to me the older I get the harder it gets for me to find reasons to keep living and I don't even know if I want help or not, I could get it but I don't know... oh well I am going to attempt to sleep... Sorry for the rant it's been a very long time since I have been this depressed and I am fairly sure when I go back and read this later,(I always reread all my stuff 100 times,) I will get even more depressed because I sound like a fag ass Emo bitch kid. Fuck.
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