100 Cigarettes.

I have decided that I am going to do a blog and hand held journal entry of every cigarette that I smoke along with the date, time, and a short description of what I am doing while I am smoking. Yesterday was the 25th which is 1/2 when I began (I slept until 4 in the afternoon.)

1) 1-25-2010
4:45 Pm.- I just woke up, in the car w/ Professor X, going to Hardees.

2) 5:32 Pm.- Professor X and I are leaving Jack in the box (where we ate) because Hardees doesn't sell breakfast all day, Talking about medical gargon on the way to school listening to Guns and Roses.

3) 5:45 Pm.- I'm sitting outside of Vol State (McGavock campus) on the smokin' a cig, on the phone with [we shall call him Bill] Bill, waiting for Chelsea.

4) 7:17 Pm.- I just got let out of Sociology. Jessica Rogers was in there! What a surprise. :)

5) 8:00 Pm.- Professor X and I are parked outside of Steak and shake before I go in for my interview.

6) 8:29 Pm.- Back in the car with Professor X, still parked out in front of Steak and Shake. I just got back from the interview, I'm hoping things went well.

7) 8:49 Pm.- Morbius came by, we are standing around on the back porch catching up about life.

8) 11:09 Pm.- I just got off the phone with Patty. Pissed off, having a beer and a smoke, after I light it Professor X and Morbius come join me.

9) 11:29 Pm.- Smoked again with Professor X and Morbius. Still outside. It's fucking cold.


Midnight and the following 26th day of January coming tonight.

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack and single handedly, I have lost almost everything.

Today, I woke up and like always I turned my phone on to see what my friends had been up to since I wake up at about 4 pm. Well Jack, you know the married guy who I lost a friend over? He text me that "we have to talk". Now I have heard these words probably about once a week since I was 12. I am sick and fucking tired of having to hear these words. So I text him back that I am sick of all this crap and for him to just lay it on me. What I got back was not expected.
"I'm really sorry to do this to you but the wife and I got into a fight last night and I told her about you. Not everything she thinks we had just been hanging out. But my heart caught up to my head and I am sorry to do this to you but we have decided to work things out and I want to be the best husband I can be. But I do want to be friends."
Because of him I lost a friend. I lost respect. And now around my little town I am the town whore. I gave up everything for him and he thinks this is OK. I text back "Got it."
And left it be. When I can calm down and get my head on straight I am going to tell him I can't be his friend. But I want to kill him. He has ruined everything for me, I lost pone of my dearest friends because of him. I had fought my whole life to be "one of the guys" and within minutes that label is ruined and changed to "town whore". It is my fault, I was with a married man. But dammit I hate him now, and myself. How dare he want to be my friend after all this!

Horrible night, suicidal, and morbidly depressed.

Signing in, last night was awful. After sleeping with my good friends best friend, who is married, (they're in the middle of a divorce), I had to confront my friend about it. In short he said he forgave me but didn't want to be around me for a few months, the guy, (we will call him Jack) can do whatever the fuck we want, that he doesn't trust and I am a whore.
All night I have contemplated suicide. I even looked up bible verses on the subject; that and punishment, love, and death. I cannot find anything about God loving us, just us being told why and how to love him. Now, don't get me wrong I do love God, so much! I would just really like to see something written that he loves me.
I'm afraid if I am left alone much longer I'll kill myself and I know for a fact if I had a gun I would have several hours ago. I have hanged myself once and I just can't muster the courage to do it again. I have slit my wrists before and I just can't seem to do that either, or over dose or poison myself. All of which I have tried before. It seems every method I tried in the past fails to work on me now out of fear.
I don't know what to say, I just wish I had my friend back. And just so anyone out there reading this knows, I am not suicidal because of this one thing. There are MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY reasons why I want to die and why I have thought about since I was eight years old, I just turned 21 on Thursday and it seems to me the older I get the harder it gets for me to find reasons to keep living and I don't even know if I want help or not, I could get it but I don't know... oh well I am going to attempt to sleep... Sorry for the rant it's been a very long time since I have been this depressed and I am fairly sure when I go back and read this later,(I always reread all my stuff 100 times,) I will get even more depressed because I sound like a fag ass Emo bitch kid. Fuck.

Results 1 and 1/2 week later.

Well, my internet was down on the last post which was actually written about a week and a half ago... I am just now able to post that last one up there, so this is about one and a half weeks later and here are my results.

This test has worked wonderfully, although at times I forget to do it on my boyfriend because I get comfortable and go back to being my old self. But when I do remember to things change for the better and I love it. It is hard work but well worth the effort! Not only has it worked on my boyfriends but on several men I have men recently, there have been sever birthday parties and as anyone knows a 21st birthday party is typically huge with about 1,000 people the birthday boy/girl doesn't even know! So I found these parties to be perfect and I have walked away with a slew of numbers, texts, and phone calls. Trust me, this does NOT happen usually. But I think I may have snagged a few for when my current lover ends it, which I am positive is inevitably coming in the near future. I am going to continue this and see how it works out of state when I travel for Christmas. :)

A mans perfect woman.

A comedian once said:
“I used to think my girlfriend was so much smarter than me. Then I realized something, women aren’t that much smarter than men. Your girlfriend, wife, kids mother? She can’t be that smart, she picked you!”
-Adam Fererra, Funny as Hell.

Now Adam has a point, women aren’t that much smarter than men and they did after all pick those men to be with. But this got me thinking, I have picked and picked and picked. So why am I alone? Maybe I should reevaluate myself. After all the guys I have dated and been with maybe it’s not men who are the problem. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes they are, but maybe in my situation, it’s me. It has to be right? Maybe I’m too smelly, hyper, fat, stupid, angry, weird, or stubborn. Maybe my teeth are too yellow, maybe I talk to much. Whichever it may be I need to change. So I am going to do a little experiment. With the exception of my birthday, the trip to Cancun, and with friends (unless the guy is around my friends), I am going to be the perfect girl. That means no drama, no bull shit, no crazy stories. Nothing that will seem unattractive to men. I will not curse, drink, slouch, act crazy or hyper when I am around a man I find interesting. I will not eat, bitch, gossip or trash talk, I will not send dirty pictures or texts and will be the perfect little house wife while they are around me.

Since currently I am in a relationship I think this is a very opportune time to try this out, especially considering the fact that he has been pushing me away because he is being shipped to Iraq for one year. But if I am perfect than maybe he will stop pushing and want to be with me when he leaves. However if he does decide to call our relationship to an end at the beginning of January when he leaves I will continue this experiment on many more men. I will become a mans PERFECT woman. I will never been seen without clean, shiny, brushed hair. I will never be caught in dirty, wrinkled, smelly clothes. I will always have clean face with makeup and gloss, along with clean, fresh breath and teeth. My legs, under arms, and other areas will always be smelling nice and shaven. Also, I will not interrupt sentences, whine, moan or complain. I will be the PERFECT woman. If this keeps my current man with me I will have succeeded, and if not, I will continue until I reach results of the positive or the negative.

Boyfriend conflict, let's hope he's not that stupid.

So I sit here tonight watching Futurama reruns at my current boyfriends house wondering where this is going, blaming my friend for hooking us up and second guessing every move I have and should make. At first I thought he was a great guy and didn't want anything serious seeing how he is being deployed to Iraq on the 5th of January but one thing led to another and soon I was going out of my mind trying to be everything he wanted. He warned me about him leaving, so I tried to stay distant. Then, like a magic spell he told our mutual friend that he wanted to be with me when he deploys! Over joyed I forgot my paranoia and quit worrying, everything was wonderful even through the recent struggles with my family and everything that has been going on. Then, last week things took a drastic change for the worst, it was a Friday night party for his room mate that began as a fun celebration ended with the both of us crying to each other (some-what drunk) and having a deep emotional talk. This conversation ended with him hugging me with tears in eyes saying he cared about me and not to worry if he died, that I should never be scared again as long as we are together also, that he has a bad habit of pushing people away before he leaves and doesn't want to do that with me. Not only was I extremely happy to hear these things but I also thought of it as a huge step forward. That is until two days later on Sunday. Last Sunday... distant, cold, indirect answers were all I could get from him. He didn't want to kiss me or look at me. This attitude stuck with him and soon after I brought up the one question that his whole family had been asking me. The answer to the question I thought I knew. The answer I needed to hear him say for peace of mind. So I asked...
"Do you want me to be with you after you leave?"
With a sly and some what cocky grin he replied:
"I think you would be more than happy to stay with me and I have no doubt that you'd be faithful. I think you act big and tough and hide behind your glasses (I always wear sunglasses almost no one ever sees my eyes) but deep down you want that white picket fence, a husband and two kids. But that's not the question, the question is should we try to stick it out and see what happens or go the smarter more logical route and go our separate ways after I leave? We have only been dating a few months. Personally, I always think the smarter choice is the better one but I'm not saying anything just yet... I'm just saying I like going with the smarter choice."
I could have slapped that cocky smile right off his face. I opened my mouth to ask him what his final answer was but some how I knew. The answer wasn't black and white but something about the way he moved and looked at me, about the way he said it gave it away. That coy smile, those big blue-green eyes grinning ever so arrogant. I knew exactly what he would have said. So slipping on my glasses I bit my tongue as not to cry and shook my head smiling a forced jaw-cramping smile. All I could say was
"I know your answer"
and wouldn't tell him what I already knew when he asked what I thought his answer was. He doesn't have to say how he feels, he doesn't need to explain a thing. He's scared, and he is doing what he said not too long ago that he did with his Ex. He acts like a prick to push me away so I will break up with him, and he's off the hook. Only one little problem... I like him way to much and won't leave someone. So other than today he has acted the same exact way: cold, distant, non-responsive. Only now I am the one pulling away, yes I will stay with him until he deploys and no I will not leave if he asks me to stay. But I also have a responsibility to protect myself and that's why I am pulling back. A hard retreat back to solitude that I think he has noticed. I am done with games, I will retreat back into myself and if he wants me he can fish me out. After all, he's the one who sent me back there to begin with. Lets just hope he realizes what he may lose before he breaks it off because once he breaks it off, I'm not going back.

So standing in front of my college class room last night I had to give a presentation on the topic of my choice. I had chosen the psychological effects of sexual abuse. My class is quite jovial, and can find anything to talk about, we're all quite bright. After I had said what I needed to say not one person spoke. Everyone stared wide eyed and didn't bother asking any questions. One girl at the end of class over heard me talking to a boy who sits next to me, I was laughing that no one had any questions because that was part of the idea behind the assignment. She came up to me and said "No one did because your topic was scary, it was so harsh we were all scared!"
This brings me to my point, why is it when someone is talking about dementia, psychosis, or child abuse it's OK to ask questions to learn more about these things. After all we are in a psychology class right? But when someone in front of the class states the facts that 1 in every 4 girls is raped, or molested, and 1 in every 10 boys, and that number may be higher, no one wants to say anything? It's a taboo subject that people do not take seriously. That was the point I was trying to make to my class, that it's not just a crime that someone can get over and that it can RUIN some one. My mum read my paper and insisted I post it on my Blog, Facebook and Myspace. We were encouraged to speak a little beyond the paper last night so there are some things that are not on my paper that I said to the class.